black-ness

i think i stopped being "black" according to most people when i read all of tolkiens books before starting high school. what most people thought of me mattered 2% in my life, but i never really believed that liking hip hop/rap was an  automatic go-to music choice for me or anyone else because of my skin color (I do like this music but i also like jazz and celtic songs).
no matter how far or how long i have travelled, other people (mainly other american expats) seem to want to put me in their "token" black friend status. i end up being friends with non american expats or locals and we all share a nice dialogue about our cultures.
here, in benin, there is hardly a dialogue. when I talk to locals, they are well perplexed by my american attitude and standards i end up defending myself instead of having a conversation. before i came to benin, i reveled in the idea of being in a place where people look like me and i blend in. Korea was a modest place where young people stole stares at you and old people bore those stares into your soul. Slovakia was a place where people didnt stare out of curiosity, but probably a mixture of disgust or envy (a post about that later). More or less i enjoyed most of the stares because i felt proud--i represented a darker person in these regions where there are so scarce. I think im confusing people by being so different but also similar. I mean, in my village there are many different cultures, but people cant seem to categorize me. Or they wont. If I speak one word of peule im suddenly fulani, if i speak bariba, im suddenly batooni, never american. 
I have met some amazing american friends while travelling but i have also met some of the most racists americans while travelling. benin is no different.
of all the other third world countries ive been to( guatemala) benin IS different. i only went to guatemala for a total of ten TOURISTIC days. I saw the poverty, we all helped out, but i also looked past all the filth and violence and fell in love with the country. I remember going to me room after returning home  from my 3 hour plane ride and feeling like i should have never left. It was a life changing experience. It was an experience that catalyzed my love for children's education and humanitarian work.
fast forward 5 years and I am in benin,,,living the dream,,,

in the land of snot rockets

november 7, 2014
Halloween has just passed us and i am alive again. i was dressed in one of my best costumes ive ever worn in my life. I made an ok attempt a being a fulani (queen). i wore bright colors and bought some jewelry. I myself, was quite disappointing at my sad attempt. I had originally planned for losing 50-70 pounds and donning real tattoos. but instead i ate spoonfuls of nutella every night and decided that henna was the best option for me. I though it was an ok costume, but everyone seemed to like it as it seemed. what i was really proud of was then i went out of the compound in my full makeup and clothes and beninese people generally seemed to believe i was fulani (which mean a little bit more to me than an american saying i looked fulani). this proud feeling of resembling a fulani (queen) is highly contrasted to the feelings i get when people think i am beninese. sure if i walk down the street and you just look at me , its ok to think and believe that i am beninese, but if im introduced as "volunteer" or "american" to you and you have a useless conversation to me about how my skin is so black there is no way i could be american, i am beninoise like you...im just tired and it'll only get more frequent so i should just find a bridge and get over it.

probably a goat

october 24,2014
as the school year rolls in i probably get more and more neurotic.
heavily influenced by the lack of sleep and poor organizational skills, i have come to the conclusion that this is not the life for me. simply meaning, can i settle down in a place for long? during the last five years, ive taken comfort that i can fall in love with places ive been to once and making friends easily ( and leaving them too). Everything happens so rapidly while your traveling. my mood was more happy and constant instead mercurial. Why correlate happiness with a location? its not as simple as that. its become habitual of me to love something so quickly when i know i wont experience it for long. every location that i travelled to had a short time line on it and stamped even a great mark upon my heart. while here, two years seems forever when you have general feelings about the place and the people. in conclusion, if i contribute this experience to another spot on my resume im sure i will go crazy by next term.

goumori in the time of cholera

oct. 15 2014

I dont think life has even been this right. somehow i have managed to find comfort in the middle of nowhere. that feeling when you put  the perfect amount of milk in your cereal leaving no white lakes in your bowl after you ate your last bite. that feeling when you forget your grocery list at home while at the supermarket but manage to buy everything that you needed to buy. things are not perfect, but things just happen to work out alright, all i needed was a little time.
update: unfortunately, i have not received a kitten yet, but i will do everything in my power to get one. (that just requires an extra trip to kandi this weekend).
after my brief bout of cholera, its decided that i didnt really have it. but i will not rule it out anyway. I went sound to sleep last night after chasing a bat throughout my house, great exercise.